I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
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I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Mmmm canned fish.
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it