Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
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hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.