A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
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It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.