cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
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I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*