i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
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Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
What do you hear?
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.