Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
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I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED