Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
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└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
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Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
describing stardew valley
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more