My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
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This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
This made me chuckle cuz mood
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From