I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
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“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.