Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
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I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
No selfies while hijacking a train.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end