Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
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Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.