A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
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Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.