“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
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I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
if my sleeping schedule was a person
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly