Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
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I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero