My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
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Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.