I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
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[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.