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[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
A new level of troll.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.