In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
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Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
Yup.
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.