Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
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Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.