Your proctologist called. He found your head.
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my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now