Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
You Might Also Like
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
knights of the ikea table
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
Am I having a stroke?
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!