I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
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“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)