when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
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4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.