Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
You Might Also Like
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
that’s really how it is
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy