[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
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me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
I only eat vegetarians.