I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
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There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
it’s either covid or clever vampires
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight