I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
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Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!