Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
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Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’