I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
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“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope