Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
You Might Also Like
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
Netflix and awkward silence?
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
buys donuts instead
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot