[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
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What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
Duck typos.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit