ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
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obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th