Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
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Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.