Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
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Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
Confused owl: What?!
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.