She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
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Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.