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*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
This could be us but you eatin’
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
If you want my opinion ask my wife
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
A choir of Spring onions
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*