Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
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My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.