I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
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It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Good morning, Twitter x
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME: