Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
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I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.