Fluff me with a fork baby
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Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Running from your problems is cardio .
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.