I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
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“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.