It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
You Might Also Like
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
Lmaoo 😂
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth