[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
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Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about