Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
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My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
Tier 3 meme
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
(Musicians.)
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.