When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
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My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
oh. I see you’ve gained some weight.
-my mirror
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit