*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
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This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
This one’s “Alex”.
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!