[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
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A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try