this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
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“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.