ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
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My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic