[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
You Might Also Like
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.